My Blog

Coping Skills

Tue, 20 Apr 2010 06:24:00 -0400

I have been meaning to write a piece about coping skills. I have built up a repertoire of skills. The truth is that I am not coping very well at the moment. I have suffered at various times from mood swings, depression, anxiety and hypomania. At the moment I suffer from what I classify as agitated anxiety. I was so focussed on the anxiety that I failed to realize I was suffering from a kind of hypomania.

Imagine your mind is going a hundred miles an hour as in hypomania. You normally get a lot done, unless you cross the line into mania. Add to this general anxiety and that's where I am. I keep doubting myself. I make more mistakes than usual. I forget to do things unless they are on my to-do list. I spend so much time on my to-do list , That I forget to take breaks and I forget to do other things that were not listed.

I spend most of the morning taking care of my to-do list. Things that would normally take no more than 30-60 minutes. I worry about absolutely everything, even my holiday that is 6 months away. In this state, I really worry actively.

I am not sure that medication will be my salvation. I am anxious for some reason that is not clear. Maybe just that my life sucks? My previous lithium and occasional periods of hypomania made me not care too much. I have to address the root causes. Before I do that, I need to get rid of this pervasive anxiety while staying in touch with my real feelings. I seem to have experienced these kinds of problems since I stopped lithium. Lithium worked like a wet blanket, suppressing a lot of stuff. I don't want to go back there.

I need to add coping skills for agitated anxiety to my box of tricks. It may involve medication in the short term, but not in the long term.

I hope this makes a little sense??

Clive

Where I am now

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 02:51:00 -0400

My book ended on a positive note. I still feel quite positive but I now realise that I was more hopeful than confident. The truth is that I am still struggling. I need to make a plan for the future and make things happen. They don't seem to happen by themselves.

I have to get a life, whatever that means. I have joked about it online but there is a serious aspect to it. My life was always intrinsically linked to my work. As long as I pursued my career in IT, I had friends and I was quite contented. The problems started when I couldn't work or I couldn't find work. The further I moved from my career, It became impossible to go back. My career had changed and I had become something of a dinosaur. I was fine as long as I was in a job. I could adapt in the job and embrace new technologies. I was no longer qualified for the jobs that were advertised. No one wanted to hire someone and retrain them. They didn't need to because younger people had more relevant skills. There was a major change in IT in the 80's to 90's, a move from Mainframe based systems to more PC based systems. There were still mainframes but they worked more on autopilot and didn't need the fine tuning that was my specialisation. It is somewhat sad that someone with 27 years IT experience became almost unemployable.

I eventually accepted that my IT career was over. What next? I struggled to find something that would utilise my skill set. The answer always seemed to come back to some sort of Admin work. One problem was that most admin jobs had many applicants. Many of these applicants were younger and far more qualified. No amount of tweaking of my CV/Resume could convince employers to interview me. As time went on, my CV/Resume was so fragmented. It would be clear that I had problems, whatever spin I could put on the various gaps. When I was interviewed, the job would go to someone more qualified, that's if they even bothered to let me know. There are rules about discrimination but they didn't need give age or mental illness as a reason. They could simply say someone else was more qualified. The government wants to give more access to jobs for the mentally ill or older person. The only real way I can see is for them (or other public sector concerns) to employ them directly. This would only be a token effort but it might set an example. Another way would be set serious incentives as with the car scrappage scheme. Sort of a people scrappage scheme!

To cut a long and miserable story short, I became increasingly unemployable and stressed out by fruitless job hunting. Everyone cares about people who are laid off from jobs. The government sets up schemes to find them new jobs. Meanwhile, the old and mentally ill are on the scrap heap of life. The government sets up schemes and makes great plans in white papers. They are sure to keep reminding us that there is no money for this innovation. At the same time, they insinuate that people on incapacity benefit are shirkers and unwilling to work. The truth is that there are few jobs and they are not for the disadvantaged.

The benefits that the mentally ill receive are a lifeline. They don't provide the lifestyle enjoyed by some benefits recipients. They are just about kept out of poverty. The government and the opposition want to re-classify those who want to work as unemployed. This further stigmatises and reduces what meagre income is received. Being unemployed makes no difference to a person's ability to get a job. In my experience, the employer is not aware of whether the applicant is on benefits or not.

I seem to have drifted off subject, whatever that was? The conclusion is that finding work (or not) was causing me more stress than was worthwhile. In 2007, I effectively called myself retired. I am not in any of the government's statistics. I am probably one of a very small minority who live on their savings. This is only possible because my mom passed away and left me with some money. I am left to run my own life, including budgeting and financial planning. Not many bipolar folk would be able to do this or even want to. One of the common symptoms of mania is the reckless handling of money. After being ill for so long, I trust myself with money. There is not much of an option. My only help comes from 4 monthly psychiatrist appointments and my GP who keeps me supplied with mind dulling medication.

I am increasingly thinking that a lot of manic problems are caused by an underused mind. In many cases, drugs like lithium are just wet blankets that dull everything. A chemical straight jacket of sorts. I am glad to say I have been off lithium for 5 months (with the help of my doctor). Apart from a recent adjustment to my other meds, the dropping of lithium has been a successful experience.

That's where I am now. Watch this space and I will try to look forward. Maybe I will get a life or something approximating one.

The transient nature of moods

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 08:58:00 -0400

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. Just been thinking about mood swings and how they are not based in reality. Here are my thoughts.

Unfortunately, I don?t seem to inspire myself. I give the impression of being ?together? and quite motivated. Nothing could be further from the truth. Maybe it is my Bipolar Disorder but I can get false moods, both positive and negative. Moods based on mood swings can be very fragile, in my experience. I am very good at over thinking and killing a good mood. Equally I can think myself into a good mood but this is somewhat more rare.

I am not happy with my situation in reality. If my mood starts to dip, I start to dwell more on reality and this reinforces my down mood and brings in anxiety. I wish my moods were more in tune with the reality of my life. It is sometimes nice to feel good for no real reason but it can be very wearing. Feeling bad for no reason is much more destructive. Despite being largely stable, I think I live with these ongoing effects of Bipolar Disorder.

It makes it very hard to stay in touch with reality. I need to make changes in my life or maybe I need to get a life. When I feel irrationally happy, I don?t feel like I need to do anything. I just float through life. If I feel irrationally down, I am too busy worrying to do anything about my life. I don?t seem to have any middle ground which might be considered ?normal?. I think the concept of normality is alien to Bipolar sufferers. I don?t know how other sufferers feel about this. I am just thinking out loud.

I am convinced that this inability to be ?normal? makes counselling very difficult, at least in my experience. It also affects my dealings with doctors. If I feel good, I lose touch with my issues. If I feel down, I just can?t be bothered.

UK Family History - An offer of help

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 12:26:00 -0400

I have done a lot of work on my family tree over the last few years. I have got back to the early 1800's for many legs of my family. I have built up a lot of tools and some extra knowledge as I have gone along. I am happy to help anyone with their UK family history. I can get you started on building up a tree. All I would need are details of relatives who were alive in 1911 or better those alive in 1901. Full names and birth dates or birth years and birthplaces where you know them. The more you know the better. I am available to work back through the census data as far as the earliest in 1841. Please email me at clivewild@hotmail.com with Family History in the Subject. I am particularly thinking of UK people but I might be able to work on UK history of non-UK residents. I can't offer a full research service but I can get you started on your family history.

Clive

My favorite lyrics

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 07:18:00 -0400

Tell me the writer of these lyrics is not bipolar. They ring so true to me whenever I hear them.

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

Feeling like I'm heading for a breakdown

And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know, right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know, right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train

And I know, I know they've all been talking 'bout me

I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me

Out of all the hours thinking

Somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know, right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know, right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep

Pretty soon they'll come to get me

Yeah, they're taking me away

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know, right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know, right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be

How I used to be

Well, I'm just a little unwell

How I used to be

The Ultimate

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 12:41:00 -0400

If you find this list annoying, you may be Bipolar.

If you are a homicidal maniac, you may be Bipolar.

If you found it hard to sleep last night, you may be Bipolar.

If someone really made you angry today, you may be Bipolar.

If you are breathing, you may be Bipolar.

If you are left-handed, you may be Bipolar.

If you act a bit odd sometimes, you may be Bipolar.

If you are not always yourself, you may be Bipolar.

If you are a famous celebrity, you are almost certainly Bipolar.

If you think this list is going on too long, you are probably right.

If you think this is amusing, there is some hope for you, Bipolar or not.

The Seeds of Bipolar

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 16:02:00 -0400

I don?t want to dwell on my past. It fascinates me why I became bipolar and I am curious when the seeds were planted. I read something about Bipolar Disorder having ?significant neurobiological and genetic components? and ?a basis in psychological, social, and biological roots?. This was posted in a blog that talked about the 9 Myths of Bipolar Disorder. Please excuse my small amount of paraphrasing. The Myth in question was that Bipolar Disorder is a medical disease, just like diabetes.

We come back to the old discussion about nurture vs nature. The nature component is not simply how we were born. The genetic component of Bipolar Disorder suggests that we might be susceptible to becoming bipolar later in life. My feeling is that this is not hard written. The psychological and social effects combine with the susceptibility to make people highly susceptible. I am not an academic, especially in these matters. I am just looking back at my life and trying to make some sense of it. I have been unable to verify that there was a genetic component in my family. I do have suspicions that I haven?t managed to confirm. People have passed away, especially the ones who may have been able to help.

For the sake of my analysis, I will assume that I was susceptible to Bipolar Disorder by virtue of genetic influences. My feelings about my early years confirm this possibility. I cannot access my feelings as a pre-school youngster. I don?t think anyone is alive who could shed light on this period. I only have early photos to tell me what sort of youngster I was. I like to assume that I started with a clean slate and I was moulded by my social situation.

I look reasonably happy in early pictures. I had good friendships with local children but I can?t think back to how I actually felt. I can tell by photos when I moved to grammar school that I had become a very sad individual. I am not sure why this had happened. My earlier school days had been happy as far as I knew. I had some good friends and I don?t have any bad memories. My home life was normal. My family moved from a prefabricated house to a modern house when I was about 8 years old. This moved me away from a lot of my friends. We didn?t move far but we moved to middle class. My father was making great strides in his career with Fords. We had a Ford Eight car and went off on holidays.

It was good to live in the new house with a large garden. It was good because my friends and I had a good neighbourhood to explore. Most of the area was still covered in fields. I think I became a quiet and shy youth when I moved to the Grammar School. It possibly began in the later years in my previous school. I am at a loss to work out why. Going to Grammar school was another separation from my friends. We were still friends but my friend, Paul, was the only one who came to the same school. I think being bussed to school was a big problem. I never met most of my school friends outside school, at least until many years later. Most of the pupils were bussed in from a catchment area around the school.

Grammar school was not good for me. The alternative might well have been worse. The school had no soul. With the odd exception, teachers matched the school. It was a new school and I was one of the first intake to go through a full seven years. The school never seem to find its personality. Every year my school reports said that I was reticent. I don't remember anyone making any attempt to help me. I guess my parents read the reports but they did not register. I was definitely not going to ask for help. After all, I would hardly say boo to a goose. That was encouraged at home. I was a very sad youth and I became a real underachiever. I had talents in some subjects but it rarely showed in my exam results.

I joined a group of other underachievers and the die was set. We were the crowd who never joined in, whether it be social activity or sport. It wasn't done. I managed somehow to get good enough exam results to get to a university of my choice.

The only bright moments in my seven years came by virtue of one enlightened teacher. Jim Hardy. He was one of the younger teachers and he arranged some extracurricular activities. One of these was a trip to see the Beach Boys in Birmingham. This was my first concert and I really enjoyed the outing. It was so out of the mormal humdrum existence. I always had an interest in pop music but seeing a live band was so much better. In my later life, good music was one thing that I enjoyed and I was lucky enough to experience a lot of it. By some good fortune, I was present at several great concerts, including the Who Live at Leeds and The Rolling Stones in Hyde Park. A certain friend of mine is very jealous because he wasn't quite born by this time.

My three years at Leeds University were an oasis in a very dull first thirty years. I didn't know how special Leeds was as an entertainments venue. I think the guy who made it happen was there at the same time as me and my friends. We were so lucky to experience so much good contemporary music. I guess my new found love of the blues matched my personality.

I stayed in touch with many of my friends from Leeds, at least until my bipolar disorder became a problem in later years. Friendships were dented, I hope not without a chance to mend them. I am ever the optimist. My twenties were quite miserable generally but the holidays I spent with my Leeds friends were definite high points.

I feel like I am rambling, as is my tendancy. I managed to pursue an IT career despite a thoroughly miserable home life. I remember my home life was getting gradually worse despite having good jobs and buying my first house. I think I was a prime case for getting bipolar disorder. It just didn't appear until a suitable trigger came along. If I am honest, I had some depressions that might have been a precursor. I would always pull myself together for work on a Monday. I don't think anyone was any the wiser.

Some photos of me in the late 70's to early 80's show me as a thoroughly miserable person. I always remained hopeful and this characterised much of my life. Hope and an amazing resilience. I started a blog post and I am in danger of writing a book. I just had to get it off my chest.

This was going to be chapter one of a second book. I think I have to put my history where it belongs, in the past. I have written a book and I have had two articles in local papers. I think it is time to work for mental health and not dwell on it.

When a book is not a book (humor)

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 15:44:00 -0400

I always knew that my book didn't match up to the books in bookstores that are sold by the inch of thickness. As an infrequent reader, the huge tomes scare the hell out of me. They might look good on a coffee table but there is no way I could read one. Bipolar always made it hard for me to concentrate on my reading.

Two of my best friends called my book a pamphlet when they first saw it. I hope they were joking. They both bought one and at least one of them enjoyed it. Someone pointed out the problem of being a short book with an inappropriate price. This was due to my choosing to publish in full colour with photos. This led to an inflated retail price set by the publisher. The real problem was that I bought books based on that inflated price. I was forced to sell at a price that exceeded the final price set by Amazon UK. For a reason unknown to me, the price on Amazon US is still the retail price, twice the UK price. I guess there is a reason.

If my book is not a book, then what is it? It is certainly not a booklet or a pamphlet. They are often free. Maybe it could be a bookling or have you any suggestions? It is listed on Amazon under books so it must be a book. If it were sold in bookstores, It might be lost among the celebrity biography tomes. I have never read one, so I don't know how they fill so many pages. Maybe they use a very large font? I know celebs have fascinating lives but can they be so interesting. Dead celebs sell more books than me. How bad is that?

Do you have to be a celeb to sell books? It certainly ensures they get on TV or radio to promote their latest book. I have to find some way to become a z list celebrity. Maybe my feature in a local newspaper will grab some attention.

I promise that my second book will have a lot more words. I have to start studying a dictionary so I know a few more big words. My first book was a work of passion. I had to get it out of my head. It probably wouldn't have come out if I hadn't ridden the waves of hypomania and lived with little sleep for weeks. My book was written and published within a two and a half month period. That must be some sort of record. The book is probably so short because I was desperate to finish it. It may lack detail in places and I am happy to fill in the gaps if anyone has questions. Luckily I found a publisher, Xlibris, who went along at my breakneck speed. When I heard they had shiped my 100 books, I started sleeping on the next night. I have slept pretty well ever since. That's about two months.

Never mind the quantity, feel the quality. I don't waste many words. I think I tell my story concisely. I doubt whether I was aware of the cost implications as I wrote the book. It came out naturally at 72 pages, a perfect size for a colour book with photographs. A book of twice the size would have retailed at $70.

Book, booklet or pamphlet, it is worth £14 of anyone's money. I put my heart and soul into it and that must be worth a lot.

Regards, Clive

Update on book launch and promotion

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 12:10:00 -0400

Firstly, an apology. In an earlier blog post, I suggested that I was getting no responses to my personal attempts to approach the media. This week I received two nice emails from Rethink, the UK mental health charity. They apologised for the late response to my email. Their timing fitted in well with the official book launch. I sent a copy of the book as requested.

The first day of the book launch generated a further 6 requests for book copies. Lesley Singleton of LS Media Ltd has done far more than I could ever have done myself. She is handling all contacts from potential media leads. I have sent out the requested book copies and I hope that they generate further interest.

The press release can be seen on Response Source at:

http://www.responsesource.com/releases/rel_display.php?relid=48145

Thanks for all the kind messages of support.

Clive

Family, Friends and Phobia of Making Phone Calls

Wed, 27 May 2009 02:59:00 -0400

I worry a lot about friendships that have gone by the wayside. I always made online friends easier than real world friends. Then again, cyberspace might be called my "real" world. The manic episodes that I suffered were few but they damaged friendships each time. I sometimes tried to apologise and explain myself but it was futile. I have made a number of friendships over the years and none of them are in good shape. It is a form of personal stigma. No one wants to deal with a "mad" person.

Like many things in my life, I do not set myself too many goals, for fear of disappointment and the resultant anxiety. I have calmed my anxiety by never expecting too much of myself and others. I think that I avoid going out much to avoid difficult situations. I will not make real world friends if I carry on that approach.

I always thought I had a small family. This was true in terms of close family. Since my mom died two years ago, I have my brother and his wife. I hardly see cousins at all. My brother and his wife seem not to be interested in my illness or the book I have written. I find this incredibly sad. I have found numerous cousins through my genealogy efforts. Without my brother and his wife, I would have no close family. They say you don't choose your family but you choose your friends. That is so true. In a way, I have to let go of any hopes of a relationship that will never exist. I don't have much in common with my brother and my sister-in-law. Things like this will hold me in the past but it is hard to move on. My story has gone a long way to free me from the past.

I think bipolars tend to get on better with new friends, those they met after the illness, even if they are fully aware of the history. I hope in time to be able to meet new people without mentioning my mental health. I hope I can be enlightened enough to make it a non-issue. I may work for bipolar and mental health but it will not define me.

I sometimes think that being bipolar makes me too intense as a person. I seem to talk about mental health issues to the exclusion of anything else. This is because my life doesn't have much else. I think I have to work on this. My attempts to lose weight and get fitter are giving me a new direction. Working on my diet and attending Slimming World have been good for me. My fridge is a wonder to behold. I am almost domesticated and making a lot of my own food. I feel a lot better for the healthier food and I have lost 12 pounds in 3 weeks of the program. My analytical mind is well suited to following a regimented program.. I still have trouble knowing what to eat on any particular day.

I do have a phobia of making phone calls or initiating messenger conversations. Once I start, I am fine. I found this a problem when I had to make a series of cold calls as part of my job. I usually managed it but I was not comfortable. I rely on friends to call me and that is not fair. If I force myself to do it, I don't have a genuine reason for calling. I do care about everyone but I don't always show it. I enjoy emails and I get my message across quite well. I enjoy online chats on a one to one basis. I seem to have the ability to make people feel better. I don't have the ability to engage fully and be their friend.

I have a lot to work on. My press release for the book will hopefully generate some interest in me and the book. I'll talk to anyone but I just don't get much practise. I have to be prepared to talk to anyone on whatever medium. I have that confidence now but the proof is in the doing.

I am sorry if I rambled a bit as I am inclined to do.

Take Care,

Clive